My wife came up to me out of nowhere tonight and told me she loved me and appreciated everything I do for our family. The first red flag was the fact that this even happened. The second red flag was this was right as I was starting another fire in my backyard. I know with 100% certainty that she understands my love of burning things, but is also unimpressed by this reality. Clearly this is the rare attempt of the wife trying to score brownie points with the husband that they teach you about in school.

It begs the questions: what exactly does she want from me?

• clothes
• jewelry
• to close the cupboard door that I left half open again
• to take care of the baby human
• to go to the store
• to talk with her
• to cook dinner for once
• fill out the paperwork for daycare
• to do something, anything really
• burn more

Your guess is as good as mine. If any of you see her around, make sure to ask her and let me know what she needs.