The title says it all, but I’ll elaborate for you.

Halloween is cool.

I like it just fine. It’s not my favorite holiday (May Day), but it’s pretty sweet. For starters, if I don’t clean the cobwebs outside of my door, they just become decorations for like a month. Speaking of decorations: jack-o-lanterns. Those are fun. I’m too lazy to do them usually, but I’m a big fan of other people’s work.

Then of course you have the costumes. Some people put in a lot of thought and come up with the perfect costume, and they are amazing. And then others put in very little effort, and their costumes are still pretty cool. And then you get to wear those costumes to one of the best parties of the year. You might be sitting in your classroom getting bags of candy, or in a dumpy college house getting drunk. Doesn’t matter. Great times.

And of course, orange. Lots and lots of orange.

But trick-or-treating.

Trick-or-treating sucks.

Now listen, I liked trick-or-treating as a kid. And as a dad, I still actually look forward to taking my kids. But that’s irrelevant.

First off, there’s very little threat of a trick. I’m fine with that, I don’t need some teenagers getting wild ideas at my expense. I’ve already considered home-schooling my kids so I don’t have to clean up toilet paper from my several trees in like eight years. But let’s stop with the charade, shall we? It’s just candy. We can just go buy it at the store. Which we do. And then give to other people.

What other people? Strangers, that’s who. Countless numbers of nameless, faceless (that would actually be cool) individuals just march up to my house and demand payment. And I bend to their will every time. And then we go do the same thing.

“Hey kids, go up to that strange house and ring the doorbell and ask for some treats.”

Safety first, that’s why my kids carried scythes this year.

OK, it’s not really that bad. I’m being a hater. But it’s cold out there dammit. Did you know that October, damn near November, is cold? When the wind blows it’s even colder? Optimal conditions for walking around the neighborhood in glorified pajamas.

I get not everyone has this problem, but it’ll be a cold day in hell when I care about them. You have to adjust the wardrobe when you live in Wisconsin, but there’s only so much you can do and maintain the illusion of being a grim reaper. You put too much on you might as well go caroling, and I only sing in the shower.

So in summation: Halloween is cool, trick-or-treating is colder.