I’ve Got Beef With the Tooth Fairy

Yesterday, sometime in the afternoon, the middle child stopped with a gasp. The missus had a look of shock on her face. I went over to look: he had blood on his lip and a hole in his mouth.

“I lost my tooth.”

Sure enough, there’s his tooth in is hand. It wasn’t really that big of a deal because he’s lost like 17 teeth already, but he was still excited because he’s a grifter and wants that sweet, sweet cash. I was just more shocked because I didn’t even know he had a loose tooth.

We put the tooth on the counter in a spot that would make it relatively visible so we didn’t lose it. Later we almost lost it. We let the boys stay up later than usual to watch the Badgers play, and then we gathered up the non-lost tooth to put under middle child’s pillow.

In the transition to bedtime, I checked my wallet to see if I had a dollar. I did not because I would never use cash again in my life if it was possible. Luckily my wife is an adult and has pretty much anything you’d need for an emergency. Including a dollar for a lost tooth.

Most nights, I refuse to believe I am tired and must watch TV in the living room before I fall asleep two minutes later and maybe possibly wake up later and make my way to bed. Last night, though, I was very aware of how tired I was and would’ve most definitely just went straight to bed. But I must get this dollar under the pillow.

Around 10:20 in the PM I made my way back to their room to get this over with. And wouldn’t you know it, these monsters are still awake. I couldn’t even be mad because I was exhausted, I just told them they needed to go to sleep and get some rest. I then set an alarm for 11:00, and is they’re still not asleep, so be it. We already have *precedent for the Tooth Fairy being inept, so what’s one more time?

11:00 and my alarm goes off. What a nightmare. I don’t know if I’ve told you, but I was very tired. I haven’t slept much recently and I just wanted a little rest. I told my wife this story this morning and she didn’t seem to care. But she can’t really relate so I don’t care about her opinion.

I trudged back downstairs, opened the door very quietly, and crept through their room with elite stealth. All I could think about was how much I hated the Tooth Fairy. Like oh, you lost a tooth? Here’s some money. You did less to get to this point than you did to celebrate a birthday. I’m done with this charade.

I haven’t done the math, but I don’t think I even need to tell them there is no tooth fairy. He’s gotta be out of teeth by now. And then in a sleepy haze it dawned on me; we have a brand new kid. But you know what? I won’t be deterred.

By the time baby is old enough to lose teeth, the other two will be long past caring about the Tooth Fairy. They’ll have learned about all of this shit from their friends by that point, so I just never even have to bring it up. Growing up I always joked I was going to teach one of my kids the wrong colors, just because. But instead of that, I’ve now decided I’m just going to eliminate all of these **fantasy characters from existence, and she’ll live in peaceful ignorance. Who needs the Tooth Fairy?

*All dollar bills were delivered as expected.

**Excluding Santa Clause and Iron Man because they are very important.

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