Last weekend the boys and I watched a lot of football. It was mostly high school games and Bishop Sycamore, but they were high quality and Bishop Sycamore. Rabun County out of Georgia was playing in one of the games, and their QB is a highly rated recruit in the class of 2022. His name is Gunner Stockton. I told the boys Gunner is a great name for a QB.

Idea time! Let’s put together a roster of players with perfect names like Gunner at QB. You’ve got Chase at DE, because you know, they chase people. Mike and Will at LB. Mack for, well, I’m not sure, but it feels like a football name. After “Mike” and “Will” I realized I was going to run out of steam pretty quickly on this one.

Like all great visionaries I needed to pivot. So pivot I did. Really went outside of the box on this one: All-Name Team. No nicknames. Just Names. The team:

Offense

QB

Boomer Esiason – OK so I know I said no nicknames, but my extensive research on Wikipedia told me that his mom started calling him Boomer before he was even born. Works for me.

RB

Bronko Nagurski – If you need an explanation here you can leave.

FB

Mack Strong – Mack is for fullback.

WR

Lynn Swann – A name as graceful as the way he floated through the air.

WR

Golden Tate – Can’t stand this guy, but what a name.

TE

Shannon Sharpe – I’m more partial to his brother, but Sharpe is a pretty great name.

OT

Willie Roaf – This man was born to protect the quarterback.

OG

Will Shields – Will Shields will shield. Makes sense.

C

Dermontti Dawson – Big fan of the alliteration. Plus he’s gotta be the only Dermontti in the world.

OG

Russ Grimm – Tuff.

OT

D’Brickashaw Ferguson – If I were the kind of guy to judge a book by it’s cover, I’d pick a man named D’Brickashaw 8 days of the week to protect my blindside.

Defense

DE

Jack Youngblood – …

DT

Cortez Kennedy – I don’t know what it is about Cortez Kennedy, but it just makes sense.

DT

Merlin Olsen – A wizard up the middle. You’re welcome. Also Little House on the Prairie.

DE

Deacon Jones – This is a name that strikes fear in the hearts of men.

OLB

Takeo Spikes – If you can work weapons into your names somehow, that’s always advantageous in my book.

MLB

Dick Butkus – Hahahaha. Dick. Butkus.

OLB

T.J. Slaughter – “slaughter: noun – killing of great numbers of human beings (as in battle or a massacre)”

CB

Champ Bailey – Such a great name it’s hard to believe it’s even real. Brother Boss Bailey confirms it’s legitimacy.

SS

Carnell Lake – Smooth. Rolls off the tongue.

FS

Steve Atwater – Had to stay with the water theme at safety.

CB

Quentin Jammer – Jammer may be a better name for a CB than Gunner for QB.

Specialists

K

Sebastian Janikowski – Kickers don’t have great names, but I’ll roll with the Pole with the cannon in his leg.

P

Reggie Roby – OK I love alliteration.

KR/PR

Tamarick Vanover – I’m running out of steam again. I like this name.

Coach

Coach

Bum Phillips – I know I said no nicknames, but his real name is Oail. I don’t even know what the hell that is, so this counts too.

So there you have it, my half-hearted attempt at an the definitive NFL All-Name Team. There’s nothing you could change with this team, but what are your honorable mentions? I’ll hang up and listen.