At What Age Was I Supposed to Stop Using Axe Body Wash?

I was never an Axe body spray guy. I am aware it’s something that is scoffed at by the masses, but that’s not me. I’ve always been very open-minded about what kind of perfumes and deodorants people use. It just always seemed like an extravagance, and I’m more of a simple man. I don’t need the flashy things in life.

You’re telling me I can get two bottles of body wash for barely more than one bottle of the competitors though? Where do I sign? On the signature pad at Target it turns out, and a great deal is a great deal. I’ve dabbled in the body wash arts, tried others on for size. But I always ended back up with Axe. You find something that works and you stick with it. That’s why I’ve used the same shampoo since high school even though I don’t have any hair.

The other day as I saw the word “NEW” so proudly emblazoned on my bottle of Apollo flavored scented Axe body wash, I realized something: I’m old. Sure I’m young at heart and a child emotionally, but biologically I’m old.

“You’re not that old, you’re being dramatic Nick” -Nick

Yeah Ok, technically. But am I too old to be using this body wash? Have you ever seen an ad for Axe? Look at these people:

I don’t understand how you get dirtier if you’re getting cleaner, but that’s not the point. That guy may be a dweeb, but he’s young. Not old. This product clearly isn’t for me.

But then I turned the bottle around. Get a load of this shit.

  • 100% Plant Based Moisturizers – the best moisturizers are plant based
  • No Parabens – almost assuredly better than having parabens
  • Dermatologist Tested – they tested this on dermatologists instead of rabbits; that’s aces in my book
  • 100% Recycled Bottle – I use Axe + I recycle = I made this bottle
  • Smells 100% Awesome – smells like Apollo; accurate
  • Washes Away Odor Causing Bacteria – can neither confirm nor deny, but seems important if true

Wow. Like, just wow. There’s no chance your body wash does any of that. Ridicule and age shame me all you want. I’m stuck on Axe body wash brand cause germs don’t stick on me.

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