In honor of my day, a very important ranking.

1. JET

Clearly number one, it’s one of two settings that you’ll ever actually use. It’s functional and fun. Equally up to the task of cleaning up messes and mowing down your children in a water fight. Both very important.

2. SHOWER

The other setting that you’d ever actually use. Great for watering plants or that one spot in your lawn that you only moderately take care of every year. Also good for showers, just don’t let your neighbors see again.

3. MIST

OK, you might use this one too. Very refreshing if it’s hot out and you need to test the settings of a spray nozzle for a blog.

4. CONE

I don’t know who took this picture, but it’s not doing Cone any justice. Cone is what would happen if Shower and Center had a baby. If Shower is out of order, this could be useful in emergency plant watering situations.

5. FLAT

We’ve got some good water pressure here, but I can’t imagine a use that I just wouldn’t use the #1 seed for instead.

6. CENTER

This is a poor man’s Shower. Just use Shower. Use Cone if you must.

7. FLOOD

Clearly some engineer just needed to fill a spot on the dial. This has no use. If I ever needed a flood, I’d just use the hose au natural. Speaking of which…

Honorable Mention

Honorable Mention doesn’t accurately describe “Au Natural” and “Thumb Over the Hose.” They aren’t settings on a spray nozzle, but they’re both Top 4 ways to spray water out of hose that doesn’t include a sprinkler. The only downside is the fact that, you know, you can’t stop the water. But if you get your thumb in just the right spot…

…gun those kids down. Happy Father’s Day!!!