When I was but a wee lad, there was one sports drink to rule them all: Gatorade. It reigned supreme because it was the best. Also there wasn’t anything else. That helps. But as the years passed, the challengers rose.

Powerade. Propel. Vitamin Water. Kwikade. Not to mention good old fashioned water.

That’s just a sample, and somehow those are still around. Even water. But none could dethrone the champ. The competitors continue to come, however, and a young hot shot has entered the game. Bodyarmor. You ever heard of Bodyarmor? Of course you have. They spend more on advertising than anyone else has ever. And it works. The youth are forgetting about Gatorade.

That’s where I come in. As a great and powerful man myself, I tend not to root for the underdog. So I’ve made it my mission to help Gatorade crush all those who defy them. My three-pronged approach:

Understand Your Mission

At your core, what do you do, Gatorade? You make stuff for people to drink. The more people drink Gatorade, the better it is for business. Simple. So how do you get people to drink more Gatorade? You create a mechanism that tells people they need drink more and get hydrated. Their human bodies aren’t doing the job effectively enough.

When I think of Gatorade, I think of working out. Athletics. Sports. You do those things, and you need a Gatorade. Why? Because you sweat. You’re losing electrolytes. I learned that from you, Gatorade! What you need is a way to let people know that they’re sweating. Besides their skin. That’s inefficient. No, something they can attach to their body to confirm they are sweating. Maybe some superfluous data to really let them know they need a Gatorade.

Oh. OK, apparently that exists already. Gx Sweat Patch. Cool. Cool. Well off to a good start then. On to the next one.

Innovative Tech

We have a way for people to finally know if they’re thirsty, now we require an effective and efficient (those are different) delivery system befitting their needs. Sure they could just grab their favorite Gatorade and be on their merry way, but you have to remember that these people are sweating. Modern problems require modern solutions.

What I suggest is…

…a fancy water bottle. That’s a thing too. Plus an elegant and necessary pod system. Alright, I’ve still got one more idea.

Brand Brand Brand

Gatorade has something none of these other clowns will ever have. That’s right, you guessed it, the brand. Iconic. You don’t want to lose that. But it’s 2021. TikTok is a thing. You need to be nimble and stay on your toes. Innovate, if you will. You want to fit in with the crowd, but be the popular kid.

Bolt24. Hip. So you’re telling me I did all of this market research and testing for nothing? What even is the meaning of life? Or the “24” in Bolt24? It’s not the number of antioxidants or whatever. It’s hours in a day, or the amount of time you need to be hydrated.

Also, this was a real headline I discovered.

Gatorade Launches BOLT24, A New Product Aimed At Athletes

Forbes

“Aimed At Athletes.” As opposed to regular Gatorade which is aimed at people that don’t know if they sweat or not.