As I was watching a group of 6-8-year-olds absolutely refuse to shoot the puck on net, a thought occurred to me: could I score 100 goals against these people? I’m a pretty humble guy, but my initial reaction was yeah, obviously. If I didn’t think I could do it, I wouldn’t have even though of it. But it’s not so straight forward.

There are some parameters to account for. These are 6-8-year-olds, but there are probably some 9-year-olds sprinkled in there, which seems unfair but whatever. It would be 1 vs. 4 plus a goalie. It’s half-ice. There are two 18 minute periods and one 12 minute period. After every goal you have to skate back down around your goal while the opposition can immediately pick up the puck and transition to offense. The kids change lines every 90 seconds.

So we have 48 minutes of ice time. My superior math skills tell me that’s about two goals a minute. I’m wildly out of shape, and being on the ice the entire time is going to suck. Especially since they get breaks. I figure I have to put up at least 40 in each of the first two periods. That leaves me with a manageable 20 in the last 12 minutes.

Not only do these kids get to stay refreshed, but some of these punks are straight up dirty. Tripping, slashing, hits to the head, you name it. I never once got called for roughing as a youth. Honor and integrity only from this guy. So they have the advantage there. However, I am better at hockey. Advantage me. Also I was able to scout them and their goaltending and have a good feel for their weaknesses. Advantage me. They’ve been skating and playing hockey and have a good feel for the ice right now. Advantage them.

In conclusion:

Advantage them

• playing time
• in shape/line changes
• dirty

Advantage me

• math skills
• scouted them
• better at hockey

Final score: 100-4 me