Power Ranking the Assholes from Home Alone

I take my power rankings very seriously (this one and the only other one I did), so when I realized how many assholes were actually in Home Alone, I knew I had my work cut out for me. I sat down and analyzed the data. You know what? It actually wasn’t that hard. Once I had the entire board in front of me, it was pretty clear who the real assholes were. A list.

10. Johnny

Look, I get it, murder isn’t great. But I believe you need to take some personal responsibility when you live in that world. If you go by the name “Snakes,” there’s a reasonable chance you get gunned down by the gangster with whom you do business. So Johnny is definitely an asshole, but he did wish Carlotta a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

9. Kevin

I don’t blame Kevin one bit for the way that he acts. I’d argue that he actually handles all the shit his family serves him constantly very maturely. Don’t back down, Kevin. Plus he’s obviously a sweet, caring, thoughtful child. I mean wishing your entire family would disappear and racking up a grand in room service aren’t the best, but that’s why he’s on the list. Overall great kid in my book.

8. Drug Store check out lady

The kid wanted to know if he was buying a quality toothbrush. Clearly he was on his own, which didn’t seem to bother you, and then was spooked by an unfamiliar adult. You then demand payment and sic another child after him. Customer service. Try it sometime.

7. The McCallister kids

The whole lot of them. Clearly they are a product of their toxic environment, but there’s like 80 of you. None of you have a spine like Kevin? Show some compassion one time. And I don’t mean when Kevin manages to get a free hotel room full of presents. Dicks.

6. Buzz

He’s the eldest of five siblings, so it is his right, nay, his responsibility, to be an asshole. You can’t judge someone too harshly for something they were born into, but he is ELITE. Just goes out of his way at every turn to torture Kevin, and somehow gets an entire auditorium of strangers on his side. Plus he eats his pizza. Diabolical stuff.

5. Officer Balzak

LOL, Balzak. Balzak works in the Family Crisis Intervention department of the police department. That seems like the perfect department to help a mother check in on her missing son. Instead Balzak just sticks to the script and doesn’t try to learn any pertinent information about the situation at hand, and even scoffs at the very idea of checking on Kevin. It’s literally your job. Asshole.

4. Wet Bandits

Obviously these are some bad dudes. They’re the antagonists, that’s how these things work. The banditry I don’t mind so much. Sure, I’d rather they didn’t steal from people. I am a big fan of possessions. But the great thing about possessions is that they can be replaced. Leaving the water on for eternity? That’s a real asshole move. You know what else is a real asshole move? Stalking a child and trying to murder them. Seems like a bit much.

3. Kevin’s parents

Let’s put aside the fact that Peter and Kate left their kid home alone, twice (which isn’t even technically true, they lost him in a goddamn airport). How about the culture they created in their homestead (See: Buzz, the McCallister kids, Kevin)? It’s probably stressful raising five kids and having a family constantly leech from you, but that ain’t my problem. Look in the mirror Peter. Lowkey the most asshole thing that happens in the whole story is Kate just taking her gang of offspring through the airport and berating some poor lady and stealing the payphone from her.

2. The Plaza Hotel staff

The concierge, the desk clerk, and the bellman. Assholes. Now you might be thinking, “sure, they’re assholes, but they weren’t actively trying to harm Kevin.” To that I would say this is a list of assholes, not a list of bad guys. Again you have a kid on his own, in the big city, and he’s just lining your pockets. If some kid came up to me and just handed me some money, my next stop is the bank. These two-faced jerks are taking time out of what I would assume is their busy day to try to discredit a child instead of ensuring his safety. Customer service. Try it sometime.

1. Frank

Was there ever even a question? Easily one of the top two most selfish people I’ve ever encountered, real or otherwise. Quite literally, everything is about him. Shacks up in his brother’s house with his entire family. Free trips to Paris and Miami. Free First Class tickets. The dude couldn’t even pay for some pizza. Uncle Frank is seemingly the ringleader of the Anti-Kevin crowd, too.

Uncle Frank McCallister: You better not wreck my trip, you little sour puss, your dad’s paying good money for it.

Kevin McCallister: Oh, wouldn’t wanna spoil your fun, Mr. Cheap Skate!

Facts only, Kevin. Facts only.

Only Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York were used in these rankings because I have self-respect.

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