I’ve never been one to have the latest and greatest video game console. I have three of them sitting on my stand downstairs, but the newest one was released 14 years ago. The unit of choice for the youths has always been the Wii. Mainly because that’s the only one I let them play, but they love Mario Kart (who doesn’t?).

Since it’s the year of the virus, however, I recently dusted off the original Xbox and the 360 for the children. Some NFL Street here, some NCAA Football there (maybe we should play some Halo, but I like the sports). There are a few hockey games in rotation at the Millis household, and the latest craze is NHL 12. As we barnstormed through some tournaments and shootouts, I had a realization…

I listen to three podcasts pretty religiously: The Red Zone, Pardon My Take, and Spittin Chiclets. I’m pretty glued to all things Chiclets right now because it’s playoff time, so as we were playing it dawned on me that former NHLers turned podcasters Ryan Whitney and Paul Bissonnette were probably still active players in this game. Sure enough, Biznasty was on the Coyotes and Ryan “Tape-to-Tape” Whitney was still playing for the Oilers. Idea time.

Let’s team them up and run through a season and pad those stats. Maybe win a Stanley Cup along the way. It probably would’ve been easiest to be the Oilers and trade for Biz. Naturally that’s not what I did. This is a Ducks house and a Ducks house only. Time to make some trades.

First up: Paul Bissonnette. I’ve never made a trade before, so I figured I’d start low and work my way up. That’s how these things work, right? I can’t imagine the trade market is too strong for this one either, so [checks notes] Jean-Francois Jacques it is. Let’s see what Phoenix has to say.

Umm, alright then. I guess we have a deal. Welcome to Anaheim, Paul. On to Whitney. He’s a higher profile player, so he’ll most likely command more in a trade. But let’s stick with what we know. Low ball offer. Next up on the block: Kurtis Foster.

Soooo, no deal then? I added another player to no avail, played around with some other options before I landed on Lubomir Visnovsky, Luca Sbisa, and Matt Beleskey. Real hockey names there. Whaddya say, Edmonton?

Maybe show a little more excitement next time guys, geez. Well I got my guys at least. Time to make some lineup changes. Whitney slotted right in at right D, first pair. Legend. Had to do some work with Paul. Obviously he’s gonna play first line wing, that’s literally the point of this. Gotta move some people around to make that happen, though.

Right off the bat, he was a healthy scratch. OK. So I suited him up and picked some random to scratch instead. Check. To move him to the first line meant I had to move prime Bobby Ryan to the second line. Whatever. I just get to team him up with future Hall of Famer Teemu Selanne. 8 and 9 back together again.

It’s beautiful, Nick. Great work. Time to play some games. Normally I’d go Superstar level, obviously (read the title of this website). But this is a kid’s show, so we’re just going with All-Star.

Game one is in Buffalo. We’re going with throwbacks. 27 seconds in, 1-0 Ducks. Scorey Perry with the quick goal (maybe I should’ve done Superstar). That’s where the good times stopped rolling. When the final buzzer sounded, it was 7-3 Sabres. I might need to scrap this whole idea. But no, we power on.

We’ll speed along here. Next two games, W’s for the good guys. I might never lose again. Great play all around. The new additions have been incredible.

Oh, and then I lost again. For those not following along, as I write this I’m 2-2. Not the start I wanted, but we live and we learn. At least my studs are putting in work, and I’m smelling all kinds of post-season awards.

That’s all for now, but I plan on posting updates regularly. I probably need to bang out about 20 games a week to finish the season in a decent amount of time. I’m willing to sacrifice though. Man, this turned out to be such a great excuse to game as much as I want. Thanks honey.